cat /var/messages

By Your Command

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 00:46:40 GMT

NBC is selling a frackin' toaster.
http://www.nbcuniversalstore.com/detail.php?p=61221&v=sci-fi_battlestar-galactica_comic-con

Minor updates

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 06:44:38 GMT

Wall-E is fantastic. If you enjoy Pixar movies, you will enjoy Wall-E. A lot. Not like you enjoyed Cars; more like you enjoyed Incredibles. If you have a love/hate relationship with humanity, you will especially love it.

Mom's in town. Visited Bainbridge Island. Now I own two awesome art deco cruise ship ad posters.

Adam and Erin live in Seattle now. Related news: I know how to make pizzas from scratch, I tried my building's pool, I have some extra spending money, I saw a neat parade, and I've seen the worst movie I've seen in a long time: Balls of Fury.

No, really, no matter how much you loved Dodgeball, don't rent Balls of Fury. It's not the same. It is the opposite of Wall-E, which is a movie that you SHOULD see. Unlike Balls of Fury. No, seriously, go see Wall-E.

Solstice parades are awesome.

Why is my city so friggin' hot right now? And why didn't my city predict this and give me some friggin' AC like the rest of the civilized world?

Tugboat races!

Sat, 10 May 2008 20:20:29 GMT

I'm not saying that everybody in Seattle should come over to my place right now. I'm just saying that, should anyone have the desire to come by my place, there is a TUGBOAT RACE GOING ON OUTSIDE MY WINDOW!

There are, in fact, three DIVISIONS of tugboat races going on today, following the tugboat parade. Yes, the tugboat parade. It is really awesome to watch from here.

Domestic conversation

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 23:16:11 GMT

Ollie: "Am I cute?"
Me: "You're cute and lovely and gorgeous and pretty and perfect."
Ollie: "Do you just say that in the way I say you're handsome?"

Forthcame pictures

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:16:56 GMT

I did promise pictures of the pillowfight would be forthcoming!

Things I did today

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 01:03:58 GMT

1.) Participated in a hundred man pillow fight in Pike Place Market.*

2.) Re-established contact with my best friend from fourth grade

3.) Played a theramin

5.) Learned the reason why there is a commandment about being really, really drunk in the temple.

*Photos forthcoming.

The Washington State Primary doesn't COUNT?!

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 17:51:36 GMT

When was somebody going to tell me this? I mean, seriously. It doesn't count. If I had shown up at the primary, I would have felt confident that my vote would have been counted successfully and gone home. What kind of retarded state holds a primary and ALSO a caucus on the same day?? and what kind of primary doesn't count for anything?!

Seagulls are a different color in Seattle

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 06:46:15 GMT

In Boston and in Georgia, seagulls are white. Sometimes you see a weird one, but most of them are bright white. In Seattle, most of them are gray, although a few are white. Also, they're a little bigger. Also, sometimes well-meaning or possibly antagonistic people sometimes drop piles of bread and seed just at the steps to the bus tunnel just at the beginning of rush hour.

Reverse Streaking

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 06:51:22 GMT

Okay, so, spazzychic started a discussion about nudity (and also corm hamster, but in an unrelated and unperverted way). That lead to me posting a comment, and that led me to thinking (I always write before I think because I can type so fast).

Anyway, here is my awesome, awesome idea: REVERSE STREAKING.

Here're the basics. Streaking is taking advantage of boring people's shock at casual nudity by running around naked in a place where they would not expect to see a naked person (strip club stage, honeymoon suite at Grand Hyatt, proctologist office). Sometimes it leads to arrest and sometimes they ruin that person's life by making them a sex offender (a 15 year old somewhere may or may not have seen their butt and been traumatized for life).

Reverse streaking attempts to do the opposite. Find a place where nudity is the norm. Not just the norm, but a place where it would be shocking to see somebody wearing clothing. The best scenario would be a place where it would somehow be a crime to NOT be naked. Then you suit up in a shirt, pants, a coat, socks, running shoes, a big fuzzy hat, mittens, neck warmer, giant flappy scarf (can't have too many of these), and whatever random extra fabric you can attach to yourself. Then you go to the place where nudity is the norm and run through it screaming like an idiot, shocking everyone around you. If you're lucky, there will be an elderly gentleman wearing only a monocle. When you run by, he will exclaim "my word" and his monocle will fall off comically. If you're unlucky, you'll die of heat stroke.

Of course, I can't think of anywhere where it is socially inacceptable to be wearing clothing. A public shower of some sort, perhaps, but it's not so much shocking to see a person in lots of clothing in the showers as it is weird. I was hoping there was a major religion that was big on nudity, but the only thing I can think of is orthodox Jews in a mikvah, and that's way too private for this sort of scenario. A nudist resort would be fantastic, but I think they would assume that someone wearing clothing there was merely lost. A crowded nudist resort that was milintantly obsessed with its naked rule would be perfect, I think.

I think I'll stop and go to bed now, but not because I think I'm very tired and clearly no longer sane. On the contrary, it is because I have found the perfect descriptive image of the stodgy, stereotypical rich old Victorian man wearing only a monocle.

It's almost new year's!

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 06:25:13 GMT

New Years is odd. I can more or less remember where I was standing for pretty much every last new years instant for the last 10 years or so. I have no idea where I'll be standing this year, but my tentative plan is to head to the rooftop of my building and see some fireworks.

Also, Ollie comes back in town tomorrow! This is very exciting.

Guess who signed my Firefly box set at work today?

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 03:13:10 GMT

I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with Boss Whedon, and he was sitting next to Ronald Moore.

My job is way more awesome than yours.

Alone, alone, all, all alone, alone on a wide wide sea

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 21:54:42 GMT

So Ollie's plane to Hinesville took off maybe 20 minutes ago. I've been on my own for 20 minutes, and I'm already bored. Nothing and nobody here now except for me, some frozen dinners, an absolutely gorgeous view, and World of Warcraft.

It's so quiet in here. I hope I don't lose my mind. Perhaps I should bake a cake like the floating little cube is telling me to.

Bus ride to work

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 19:55:22 GMT

Here are some things I saw on the bus ride to work in the last few days:

A diminutive Asian man who didn't ever speak but continued to fold his newspaper into simple little folding cranes. Every time he finished one, he would hand it to someone sitting near him on the bus. He managed to make 4 or so before his stop. A couple stops later, a stoic businesswoman smiles slightly at her crane and puts the crane in her purse before disembarking.

A cheerful bus driver announcing the following landmarks:
* Seattle Library, Ostentatious Branch
* Seattle Adult Men's Detention Facility, a full-service bed and breakfast with scholarships available for those who qualify.
* The Federal Building: this is your stop if you're protesting something.

A confident blind man confidently boarding the bus, confidently making sure the bus number is correct, confidently announcing the stop he's disembarking on to the bus driver, then confidently sitting on the bus radiating confidence until the bus driver names his stop and he confidently disembarks and confidently marches away.

A crowded but silent bus is boarded by a loud young lady on a cellphone. For three stops there is no sound but a lone, loud clamoring voice, and then the bus falls back into silence.

My very good Wednesday

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 04:35:02 GMT

So today I woke up late and showed up at work around 10 AM. That was fine, though, because the Settlers of Catan game didn't start until 10:30 or so. We were in a rush to finish before the bowling place opened at 3, but fortunately I kicked everybody's ass around 2. Later, we went bowling for a mystery prize. I can't wait to find out what it was, since my team won it. Also, I accomplished some work stuff, too, at some point. My boss was worried that, having no car, I might try and get a ride with his boss, who was rather intoxicated, but there was a bus stop nearby for me.

Plus, my fiance doesn't feel sick anymore. She was feeling terrible yesterday, but seems fine today. All in all, pretty darn good Wednesday. Plus, Pushing Daisies comes on in 26 minutes!

Things I'm thankful for

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 00:48:12 GMT

The view from my apartment.

Super Mario Galaxy Is the Best "significant other who watches you play videogames" Game Of All Time

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 01:12:24 GMT

You heard me.

Ollie likes to watch me play video games sometimes. That's probably because there's nothing else to do because she can't watch reality shows about reality show contestants who didn't win other reality shows. So, like it or not, she's stuck watching me play games sometimes. She's welcome to play too, but not everybody likes actually driving a character. It can be fun just to watch someone else play a video game.

For those people who like just watching video games, but still feel the desire to be helping, there is Super Mario Galaxy. In Super Mario Galaxy, there is a job for Ollie. With the second controller, she can point at coins that I haven't picked up yet and grab them. She can then shoot those coins back out, briefly stunning enemies. She can also help Mario jump just a little higher by clicking on him in midair. That's it. That is all she can do.

And she just IM'd me and told me that I'd better get home right now so she can watch me play Mario some more. I'd call that a win for Nintendo.

P.S. Random conversation about this with Will just now:

me: Ollie wants me to come home so she can collect star bits in Super Mario for me.
Will: I need somebody to collect star bits for me.
me: That's the saddest thing I've ever heard
Will: I win the Internet!

Why you should buy an Amazon Kindle

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:18:37 GMT

Kindle (\ˈkin-dəl\ ), v. 3: to become illuminated (m-w.com)

Amazon's got a new product out. It's called a Kindle. It's ugly. It costs $400.

I would like to explain to you now why it is awesome and totally worth your money.

The Kindle has free internet access. I don't mean in the "can use wi-fi networks" way. I mean that if you're sitting in the middle of a park with no wi-fi around at all, your Kindle will still have Internet access. It's got cell phone internet built right in, and it's free.

Okay, but it's not that great a device for browsing the web. The screen's not even in color, for chrissakes. Well, yeah, it's not. The screen is very carefully designed to be easy to read. That's because the Kindle is for reading books. Bored in the park? Buy a book from Amazon. Read it on the device. It's the perfect screen for book-reading. Not glossy, not shiny, just words on a page.

But that's not why you should buy it. If you're like me, you have 100 questions about the world around you every time you walk outside. Why don't you ever see a baby pigeon? How do you make a quill pen? What was the name of that rooster in Looney Tunes? Well, the Kindle will answer those questions for you. It has Amazon's NowNow service, which means you can just ask it any old question in English, and Amazon will give a nickel to some bored academic to research and answer your question and send the answer back to you, absolutely free for you forever. Now THAT'S value!

But I won't be buying one myself because, Jesus, $400.

Metro Chauffeur

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 17:45:03 GMT

So I'm waiting for my bus today, and it doesn't come. At least I think it doesn't come. I think that when another bus came by and picked people up, the right bus drove right on through, presumably because they didn't think anyone would actually want to get on at that stop.

I was wet and sad, but a bus arrived that said "DOWNTOWN" on it. Joy! So I stepped onto the bus and asked the driver how far south he was going.

"I'm at the end of my route," said the evil bus driver. "But I'd be glad to take you as far south on second as you need to go," said the amazingly awesome bus driver.

So we rode south without stops the whole way to work, joking about how not everybody gets their own personal bus. Thank you, random bus driver. You are an awesome dude.

He also explained to me that there's no such military installation as "Ryerson Base." It's the name of a route. Just so you know.

Thanksgiving

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 02:41:56 GMT

Thanksgiving is coming up! It's easily one of my top 50 favorite holidays (I really like holidays). It's beaten out by Christmas and Talk Like a Pirate Day, but it's definitely up there.

Why do I like Thanksgivings? Well, for starters, it's on a Thursday every year. That means that it's practically an automatic 4 day weekend. Even if you don't get the day off, nobody else is gonna show up that Friday. Next, it's a holiday that's almost entirely about gorging on delicious and unhealthy food. Christmas has a lot of unhealthy food, but it's superficially about messianic birthing.

Thanksgiving food is all delicious, too. The traditional foods of other holidays just aren't as good. Egg nog? Fruit cake? No. It's all about the turkey, the sweet potato casserole, the deviled eggs, and the pumpkin pie. Oh man, the pumpkin pie.

This Thanksgiving, however, I'm stuck in Seattle with Ollie. It'll be our first Thanksgiving together as a family, which is nice, but two is a bit of a small crowd to cook for. Maybe I'll see if there are some other locals without big families to hang out with and cook for. In fact, if anyone's interested in some Thanksgiving cooking and is willing to somehow get to the Belltown area of Seattle on Thursday, I'll start taking a headcount.

In other news, if anyone wants a 17" monitor of a 20ish" TV or a microwave or a dorm fridge or another microwave, let me know.

In other news, thanks to the writer's strike, there was a live SNL done for no camears and a very select audience that featured lots of skits that they wouldn't air, with rather more profanity than normal. I would have killed to see it. Link! Apparently there's also going to be a live 30 rock for the same reason in the same fashion. I'd even more kill to see that.

Portal

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 05:50:19 GMT

Portal, a very short game from Valve that came with Team Fortress 2, is a fantastic, fantastic game. The game itself is alright, but mostly I give it mad awesome points for three reasons.

Reason 1: Creativity. Oh my god, a unique first person shooter concept. Awesome!
Reason 2: Its sense of humor. Could there be a game that wouldn't be made better by a bubbly, chipper, homicidal AI/operating system/cake recipe storage program? This sort of humor is right up my alley.
Reason 3: The ending song. Best ending song ever. It gets that mad scientist vibe just perfect. I refuse to spoil it for someone who will play the game, but if you won't play the game, you need to hear this song.

"Still Alive" lyrics:

This was a triumph
I’m making a note here
HUGE SUCCESS!
It’s hard to overstate
my satisfaction
Aperature science
We do what we must
because we can
for the good of all of us
except the ones who are dead

But theres no sense crying
Over every mistake
You just keep on trying
Till you run out of cake
And the science gets done
And you make a neat gun
For the people who are
Still alive

I’m not even angry
I’m being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart
And killed me
And tore me to pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data
Make a beautiful line
And we’re out of beta
We’re releasing on time
So I’m glad I got burned
Think of all the things we learned
For the people who are
Still alive

Go ahead and leave me
I think I prefer to stay inside
Maybe you’ll find someone else
To help you
Maybe Black Mesa
That was a joke, ha ha, fat chance
Anyway, this cake is great
It’s so delicious and moist
Look at me still talking
when there’s science to do
When I look out there
It makes me glad I’m not you
I’ve experiments to run
There is research to be done
On the people who are
still alive

And believe me I am
still alive
I’m doing science and I’m
still alive
I feel fantastic and I’m
still alive
While you’re dying I’ll be
still alive
And when you’re dead I will be
still alive
Still alive
Still alive

I live in Seattle and I have a cool job

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 16:54:05 GMT

I live in Seattle now. I have a cool new job. I took a camera to work today and took a picture from my desk. Here is what the view out my window looks like.

Bonus points if you can figure out where I am in Seattle based entirely on this view. Super bonus points if you can work out what floor.

I work for Amazon now, and I encourage everybody to start using askville.com for their question-related needs.

2007 Bulwer-Lyttons!

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 04:27:04 GMT

This year's winner for worst possible opening of a book:

"Gerald began - but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten per cent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them 'permanently' meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash - to pee."

See the rest at: http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2007.htm

Granary Burial Ground

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 17:20:07 GMT

I visited the Granary Burial Ground yesterday. There are a lot of famous dead folks there, including Sam Adams, Crispus Attucks, and Ben Franklin's parents.

John Hancock's grave is also there, and in that spirit, I'm announcing a contest to find the most phallic grave marker in the world.

Ready, go!

...

Contest over, I win!

My winning entry, John Hancock.

Press Conference

Thu, 17 May 2007 19:34:32 GMT

Paraphrased Question from Reporter: "Mr. President, did you order Gonzales to go into Ashcroft's hospital room while he was groggy and nearly unconscious to try to get him to sign off on an illegal wiretapping program he didn't believe in?"

Direct Quote from President: "There's a lot of speculation about what happened and what didn't happen, and I'm not going to talk about it."

Saving the world through microlending

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 19:33:09 GMT

So, you're a fishmonger in a small African country. You want to move up in the world by maybe getting a little store instead of selling fish on the street, but stores cost like $500 for a few months' rent, and where the heck are you going to get that kind of money without a store? It's a catch-22. Takes money to make money and all that.

That's where kiva.org comes in. Kiva's mission is to let you make microloans to the working poor. You lend to a poor businessman's business, they email you regular updates on how they're doing, and over 6 months to a year or so, you get your money back (no interest, you greedy jerks, this is for a Cause!).

But Brandon, won't people just take the money and run, you ask. Nope, Kiva's got a 100% return rate so far, although I'm certainly not guaranteeing you'll ever see the money again. But Kiva's got a network of local lenders who vet applications pretty well.

So why is this great? Well, first, it's not a handout. Loans don't encourage you to take the money and eat it. They encourage you to use the money to become self sufficient. Teaching a man to fish instead of giving him a fish. Why else is this great? Because a year from now, you get your fish back. You get all the warm fuzzies of charity giving, but you'll probably get your money back from a now happier, less poor, seafood exporter. Why does this suck? You don't get to count it as a charitable donation for tax purposes. Isn't this a net loss because of inflation? Yes. Why should I do it anyway? Because it's the right thing to do, you jerk. How do I get to kiva.org if I'm too lazy to type "kiva.org" into the URL line? Well,

<--Click this, you jerks!

Disclaimer: Brandon makes no promises you will get warm fuzzies from saving the world nor promises you will ever see your sweet, sweet money ever again.